via Daily Prompt: Symptom
If symptoms persist, call a doctor. If they continue to persist, call a lawyer; constitutional lawyers are preferred unless you have a weak constitution. If symptoms still persist, call a botanist; after that, in this order, call: a linguist; a cosmologist (my uncle Ned is a good one); a proctologist; a member of the Sumatran royal family; a moderate Republican (not available in some states); an unpublished novelist; a telephone operator. If none of these are available, or if symptoms still persist, try eating unbuttered toast until it’s the Sunday of the week before Election Day in Canada.
May cause drowsiness, especially in cows. May cause alertness. If alertness persists, call a doctor or anyone owning a large wooden mallet. May cause shortness of breath. May cause shortness in general. Some patients have experienced swelling of the joints, especially the second and third joints of the middle toes. If swelling of the joints continues, try using a different method, such as a bong or a hookah. Patients under the age of 90 may experience projectile vomiting, especially from other people directed at the patient. If this happens repeatedly, try ducking, especially in rhythm with any relatively fast-paced Michael Jackson song. Patients over the age of 90 should not use this medication unless they are forced to at gunpoint. Patients who are exactly 90 may or may not use this medication, especially on their birthdays.
Possible side effects include headaches, shoulder aches, knee aches, and loss of free will. Some patients may experience a loss of patience. If this happens, sit down and count to 100 in Portuguese. Some patients may experience extreme disgust with the current political situation in the U.S. This is normal. Some patients may even experience revulsion or disorientation, especially with the way the Universe is set up. This is also normal and not something to worry about or contact your doctor about. If you experience what may seem to you to be hallucinations, in particular if you begin to notice that everyone you meet on the street is being followed by a sort of pastel-lavender giant rabbit, do not inform a doctor or anyone else. It may be best to keep things like that to yourself. If you yourself are contacted by a giant rabbit, or any giant version of a small herbivorous mammal, do not respond unless you are fluent in Mongolian. Side effects also include fluency in central Asian languages. This is unusual, but should not cause any problems, except in very rare cases; even then, the situation will be amusing to everyone involved, even the sufferer, who will find it all very funny at some later point in their lives, if they live so long.
If you lose contact with all your adjectives, please do not worry. This is ___. Many people who are ___ experience an appearance of _____ spots on their ____ hairs. Similarly, if you lose track of where your sentences are going, especially if they begin to. Many sufferers find that their suffering builds character. Some may find that the character built by their suffering has a relatively low dexterity but a very high charisma. If this happens, do not become an archer or an assassin.
Discontinue use after 31 days or on the second subsequent Arbor Day, unless directed to continue use by a doctor, a lawyer, or an Indian chief. Discontinue use and discard product in an environmentally friendly way if product shows signs of deterioration, such as spotting, formation of small concave quadrilaterals, or registering as a Libertarian based solely on misinformation about their platform with regard to warning labels on prescription drugs. Discontinue use and discard as soon as possible if not sooner, if you experience bouts of paper shredding or guitar shredding. You may ask yourself, “Well, how did I get here?” You may see a deadhead sticker on a Cadillac. Don’t look back: you should never look back.
Discard packaging immediately. Swallow this warning after chewing thoroughly. Do not read this warning, as confusion may.
Questions or comments? Please call 1-800-800-800-800, extension 800, and ask for Donald.